I don’t know about you, but I’d rather laugh than cry when life sneaks up on me and cracks me right between the eyes. Case in point: my weight.
It wasn’t that long ago that I was arguably in the best shape of my adult life. But being the yo-yo dieter that I am—with emphasis on the yo-yo part—I not only lost most of my muscle tone and gained back the fat, but I packed on a few extra pounds for bad measure.
Now, I could look at the number on the scale, throw myself on my bed and sob over my self-inflicted misfortune. But that’s not my style. Instead, I’m gonna take a lighthearted look (at least something around here is light!) at the top 10 sure signs I desperately need to lose weight. See if you can relate.
#10: You find yourself sucking air after performing the acrobatic maneuver needed to get socks on your feet.
Like some contortionist from Cirque de Soleil, I have to perfectly gauge the distance I need to bend at the waist with the distance I need to lift my leg. Accuracy is everything. I can only hold this position for seconds at a time without aborting the mission and gasping for breath!
#9: To button your pants, you have to lie on the bed.
I usually flop about and groan like the demon-possessed girl in the Exorcist. Scary behavior like this means you’re fat or that you are too cheap to replace the jeans you wore in high school…20+ years ago!
#8: You steer your car with your knees since both hands are busy holding a sugary 64-ounce fountain drink.
When I'm drinking the bucket-sized sodas, I know that I'm in trouble. It means I have chosen gluttony over portion control.
#7: You have a gut.
Occasionally, the lower portion of my gut sports the unmistakable markings of my car's steering wheel. This phenomenon usually leads to...
#6: Your driver's seat is reclined so far back that you can easily touch the rear window by scratching your ear.
Yep, this is a sure sign that I'm fat and desperately trying to escape sign #7.
#5: Your pile of picked-clean chicken bones resembles the sun-bleached skeletons found in old pirate movies.
I know I've been especially thorough if Scruffy, my ever-hungry golden retriever, turns up his nose at the barren bones I've just finished working over.
#4: Shirts with a single X on the size label aren't comfy enough anymore.
Same goes for pants with waistlines of less than 40. When my larger than life clothes are tightening, I know it's time for a change.
#3: The Mansierre (or Bro) episode of Seinfeld stops being funny.
Because, like Frank Costanza, I too could use a tad more support...up there.
#2: A wrestling match with your kids clocks in shorter than the commercials aired between evening news segments.
I need the remainder of that annoying Cialis ad to catch my breath…and to slurp a little of my supersized Pepsi.
#1: I know I need to lose weight when I play Dracula and avoid mirrors at all costs.
Hey, it's easier to remain in denial if I don't have to come face-to-face with those chipmunk cheeks that sort of resemble mine...only much heavier!
Please don’t get mad at me for picking on a fat person—I am that fat person. But I won’t let this knowledge mire me in the sadness and depression that leads to inaction. So laugh a little, and smile too. With the proper motivation and support, a little exercise and some healthier food choices, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
